Life Cycles

I’ve always wanted to witness the metamorphosis of a butterfly, and thankfully I came across a company that makes it possible,Insect Lore.  I’d planned to order them last year, but as we all know too well, life has it’s own plans. Thankfully this Spring things worked out, I ordered the kit, note: the larva are not included and inside the kit is a free voucher for the larva, but there is a shipping fee. When I went online to redeem my voucher I really wanted to include Nettie in the experience so I ordered another container of larva and decided to create my own enclosure.

Who knew that while we watched the life cycles of our butterflies, I myself would be experiencing a life cycle change. I couldn’t tell you exactly when things started to drastically change, but I’m going to blame it on my 44th birthday this past February. Having had a hysterectomy, my body doesn’t give me the tale tale signs of when my hormones are changing, but my emotional state was out of control. Over the last few years I can see now that I’d become progressively more withdrawn, wanting to do things, but not having the desire to want to do them, probably a functional mild depression, but I was still managing.

Looking back before this fog rolled in, I remember the way I once was, hungry for all that life had to offer, wanting to try new things and go places I hadn’t before. I used to be the girl excited to wake up in the morning, ready for what the day would bring, looking forward to the littlest things and seeing the glass of life as half full. I remember vividly the feelings of being happy and the thankfulness for life I so joyfully possesed. This new person I’d become struggles to do the smallest thing; making conversation with people and the act of forming words to come from my mouth was daunting. Human interaction was draining, as if the love and joy that I once exuded was now drowning in a vat of mud, and what was left was this heavy hearted, very burdened, emotional mess.

These last few months out of the blue I would experience a surge of great sorrow, my chest would feel as if an invisible 20 lb weight had been placed on me and a lump filled my throat, then I would begin crying. This happened so many times during my day, no matter where i was, I’d begun making jokes about how, “at least I’m not crying” or if I talked about how much I was crying, I would literally start crying!  Onto the other extreme was my inability to contain my frustration in certain situations and instead of handling them with a calm logical approach, I would say everything I was feeling in the moment without forethought. I ended up ruining a friendship, yell-crying at a postal inspector and quiting my job because I was in a such a downward spiral of mental dispair, (not to mention a still undetermined chronic debilitating back pain).

Yep, the girl’s got depression and to top it off, I’m perimenoposal!  I’ve been taking an antidepressant for a couple weeks now and am starting to notice a change. The heaviness has begun to lift, human interactions seem less frustrating, no more irrational thoughts in my bouts of frustation of driving my car off a cliff, and the crying has been less fequent… funny as is life, my eyes are welling up with tears as I am typing this.

Oh the stimgma of depression, I’d never really understood depression, it just didn’t make sense to me. I mean there’s so much in life to enjoy, why can’t people just choose to be happy? Now I totally get it….. I am so sorry to anyone who has struggled with this, it is real, it is debilitating, and definately not the way anyone would choose to be! Thankfully there is help.  If you are feeling any of the things that I’ve shared, please go get help now.  I waited a much longer time that I should’ve, I just kept thinking I could manage it on my own, but that’s the thing, I couldn’t. Last year when I had the flu, all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and sink into myself, beyond exhausted with a fever and there was nothing more my body wanted to do than to sleep for eternity. For me, my depression has been like my emotions have the flu, unable to escape the all encompasing mirk of my mental state of being.

Unfortunately it’s not like a physcial wound that I could put a band-aid on and let time heal, it just kept getting worse, not only for me, but for my dear husband who had seemingly lost his best friend. His partner in crime, who was always up for planning things, going places and making a bad situation an opportunity to create an unforgetable memory was for all intents and purposes gone. Since I was nothing like I once was, he was would look at me so confused and say things like, “who are you?, I miss my wife. What can I do, and are we going to be okay?” All I could say is that I am trying my very best, and I hope so. Now, I’d wished I’d gotten help sooner! I didn’t realize how hard it’s been on him as well, I just couldn’t see the forest (my man) through the trees (my depression)!

Today is better than yesterday and I have hope for tomorrow. I feel as if I too now have wings, soon I’ll be able to fly back into the world with a true smile that comes from within.

Thank you Lord for good doctors and medicine to fix the disconnect in my brain. Thank you for making me realize that it’s a chemical problem, a true medical condition, not a character flaw or that I’m a weak person that lacks resiliance.

Love doesn’t cure our illnesses, but it sure makes them worth fighting!

To all who have endured my struggles with me

Thank you for LOVE

Click here if you’d like to watch the video of us releasing the butterflies. 

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