Life Cycles

I’ve always wanted to witness the metamorphosis of a butterfly, and thankfully I came across a company that makes it possible,Insect Lore.  I’d planned to order them last year, but as we all know too well, life has it’s own plans. Thankfully this Spring things worked out, I ordered the kit, note: the larva are not included and inside the kit is a free voucher for the larva, but there is a shipping fee. When I went online to redeem my voucher I really wanted to include Nettie in the experience so I ordered another container of larva and decided to create my own enclosure.

just taken out of the box,        March 17th 2018

Who knew that while we watched the life cycles of our butterflies, I myself would be experiencing a life cycle change. I couldn’t tell you exactly when things started to drastically change, but I’m going to blame it on my 44th birthday this past February. Having had a hysterectomy, my body doesn’t give me the tale tale signs of when my hormones are changing, but my emotional state was out of control. Over the last few years I can see now that I’d become progressively more withdrawn, wanting to do things, but not having the desire to want to do them, probably a functional mild depression, but I was still managing.

March 19th 2018

Looking back before this fog rolled in, I remember the way I once was, hungry for all that life had to offer, wanting to try new things and go places I hadn’t before. I used to be the girl excited to wake up in the morning, ready for what the day would bring, looking forward to the littlest things and seeing the glass of life as half full. I remember vividly the feelings of being happy and the thankfulness for life I so joyfully possesed. This new person I’d become struggles to do the smallest thing; making conversation with people and the act of forming words to come from my mouth was daunting. Human interaction was draining, as if the love and joy that I once exuded was now drowning in a vat of mud, and what was left was this heavy hearted, very burdened, emotional mess.

March 24th 2018

These last few months out of the blue I would experience a surge of great sorrow, my chest would feel as if an invisible 20 lb weight had been placed on me and a lump filled my throat, then I would begin crying. This happened so many times during my day, no matter where i was, I’d begun making jokes about how, “at least I’m not crying” or if I talked about how much I was crying, I would literally start crying!  Onto the other extreme was my inability to contain my frustration in certain situations and instead of handling them with a calm logical approach, I would say everything I was feeling in the moment without forethought. I ended up ruining a friendship, yell-crying at a postal inspector and quiting my job because I was in a such a downward spiral of mental dispair, (not to mention a still undetermined chronic debilitating back pain).

March 26th 2018

Yep, the girl’s got depression and to top it off, I’m perimenoposal!  I’ve been taking an antidepressant for a couple weeks now and am starting to notice a change. The heaviness has begun to lift, human interactions seem less frustrating, no more irrational thoughts in my bouts of frustation of driving my car off a cliff, and the crying has been less fequent… funny as is life, my eyes are welling up with tears as I am typing this.

March 29th 2018

Oh the stimgma of depression, I’d never really understood depression, it just didn’t make sense to me. I mean there’s so much in life to enjoy, why can’t people just choose to be happy? Now I totally get it….. I am so sorry to anyone who has struggled with this, it is real, it is debilitating, and definately not the way anyone would choose to be! Thankfully there is help.  If you are feeling any of the things that I’ve shared, please go get help now.  I waited a much longer time that I should’ve, I just kept thinking I could manage it on my own, but that’s the thing, I couldn’t. Last year when I had the flu, all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and sink into myself, beyond exhausted with a fever and there was nothing more my body wanted to do than to sleep for eternity. For me, my depression has been like my emotions have the flu, unable to escape the all encompasing mirk of my mental state of being.

Crystalides March 29th 2018

Unfortunately it’s not like a physcial wound that I could put a band-aid on and let time heal, it just kept getting worse, not only for me, but for my dear husband who had seemingly lost his best friend. His partner in crime, who was always up for planning things, going places and making a bad situation an opportunity to create an unforgetable memory was for all intents and purposes gone. Since I was nothing like I once was, he was would look at me so confused and say things like, “who are you?, I miss my wife. What can I do, and are we going to be okay?” All I could say is that I am trying my very best, and I hope so. Now, I’d wished I’d gotten help sooner! I didn’t realize how hard it’s been on him as well, I just couldn’t see the forest (my man) through the trees (my depression)!

Our First Butterfly April 4th 2018

Today is better than yesterday and I have hope for tomorrow. I feel as if I too now have wings, soon I’ll be able to fly back into the world with a true smile that comes from within.

April 14th 2018 Waited for a day of 55 degree to release them

Thank you Lord for good doctors and medicine to fix the disconnect in my brain. Thank you for making me realize that it’s a chemical problem, a true medical condition, not a character flaw or that I’m a weak person that lacks resiliance.

Love doesn’t cure our illnesses, but it sure makes them worth fighting!

To all who have endured my struggles with me

Thank you for LOVE

Click here if you’d like to watch the video of us releasing the butterflies. 

Copyrights srz-2018 All rights reserved

Remembering Mac

Only days after purchasing our little house in 2007, we realized we’d be surrounded by life’s variety of people. Our first memory of Mac was seeing him in his living room with the golden glow of lights beaming around his slender silhouette as he swayed to the rhythm of the music. We’d been working on our house all night and had stepped out into the brisk night air to take a break when across the street there he was, dancing the night away, alone. He went by the name Mac although his name was Dennis, and he would come to be like family to us. Although his language was offensive, there was a kindness to his soul. His ability to tell stories and remember facts was an impressive quality, especially considering his lifestyle choices. Mac was the kind of person who spoke the truth of life as he saw it. I once inferred something about health issues from alcoholism and he quickly corrected me, stating that he was not an alcoholic; he was a drunk. The most endearing, lovable, pot smoking, potty mouthed, truth speaking, drunk in the world, our neighbor Mac. His lifestyle choices were in complete contrast of our ways, yet we became friends. He kept an eye on our places while we were gone and we helped him when he needed it. Why then, why did he take his own life on Thursday August 21, 2014? Some say it was health issues and not getting the care he needed from the VA and that he was in pain, others say that the depression from drinking could’ve caused it. No matter the answer, it still doesn’t ease the pain of this irrevocable act. He’d been planning it for some time. He had laid out things with people’s names on post-it notes that he wanted them to have.

The Bible Mac left for us, his friend brought it over along with the tragic news

The Bible Mac left for us, his friend brought it over along with the tragic news

Days previously he’d given us a few Chinese lanterns, and although he seemed a bit quiet, we chalked it up to him not having his beer yet that morning. Why didn’t he just ask for help?  We would’ve done more, we would’ve taken him to get help. What is it that goes through a persons mind to take them that far, so far that they pursue death? He made it through Vietnam, a horrible car accident, and the loss of his true love only to take his life years later at the age of 66 with a single bullet. Although he knew we loved him, I don’t think he really knew how important he was to us. I now stare out the window, looking at his empty house trying to grasp the reality of life, now that he’s gone. It is gut wrenching to know that he chose death. Dear God, please save his soul!

 

Papa sitting under the Chinese lanterns.... Papa's trying to come to terms with Mac's suicide just like th rest of us

Papa’s trying to come to terms with Mac’s suicide, sitting under the Chinese lanterns 

If only…. To anyone thinking about suicide please seek help.   Life is not fair, death is not fair, we all suffer, and we all struggle, you are not alone! Sometimes it may seem like there is no hope, but have  faith, what you are feeling is not forever, it will get better, and you are loved. There is no shame asking for help, rely on others to help you find your way out from the darkness. Please don’t cause heartbreaking pain and suffering to those you love, you can get through the tough time you may be experiencing.  Speak your pain, work through it and please don’t give up.

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We miss you  Dennis “Mac” McDonald